The unicorns of myth belonging to North Korea's founder, King Tongmyong of the Koguryo Kingdom, were just found by Pyongyang's finest archaeologists and confirmed by the nation's most reputable historians, reports the Korean News Central Agency late Thursday night. According to the communist nation's History Institute of DPRK Academy of Social Sciences, these are the mythical creatures that the eight-hundred year old first monarch of North Korea rode when he went about his kingly ways.
Though the unicorns themselves have not been found, the DPRK claims that they've found something even better: 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill, just outside of Pyongyang City, North Korea's capital, a rectangular rock carved with the words for "Unicorn Lair" was found standing vigil outside what North Korea's finest scientists believe to be the creatures' former home. These words, according to the nation's archaeologists, could date as far back as the period of the Koryo Kingdom-- meaning that they could be more than a thousand years old.
In the words of Jo Hui Sing, director of the Institute, to the KCNA:
"Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair."
Jo Hui Sing continues: "The Sogyong (Pyongyang) chapter of the old book 'Koryo History' (geographical book), said: Ulmil Pavilion is on the top of Mt. Kumsu, with Yongmyong Temple, one of Pyongyang's eight scenic spots, beneath it. The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn."
In other words, the newest, craziest finding out of North Korea this morning is not only that King Tongmyong had the dopiest vacation palace in the temple, but it's also where he kept his collection of unicorns. It's important to know that, in spite of the same word being used for both in the translations, the Korean concept of this mythical creature diverges nigh completely from our concept of the horse-with-a-horn. In Korean, the word for "unicorn" is Qilin, and they actually look more like this. And this.
Even if they're not our horned horses, they're still super mythical, leaving many in the international community asking, "um, what?" And more importantly, "Why does Pyongyang want its citizens to believe in unicorns?" Everything Pyongyang since its founding as the capital of North Korea serves its nation's most bizarre of propaganda machines, and the lair of King Tongmyong's legendary pets found outside the nation's capital is no exception.
Jo Hui Sing finished his official comments: "The discovery of the unicorn lair, associated with legend about King Tongmyong, proves that Pyongyang, [North Korea] was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom."
So there you have it, everyone: the unicorn lair found just outside of Pyongyang confirms that North Korea is the real and righteous Korea all along. Turns out that the Western World has been backing the wrong horse-- hornless or otherwise.